Illusion
Starting from where I left off in my story.. my boyfriend at the time who was my best friend ended up becoming my boyfriend. For ways I was not expecting. A relationship I was not mentally ready for.
I remember the first night I should have ran. Although I did run that night.. we were at a gathering with our friends and we were drinking. Lots of drinking and smoking. I had him take a picture of me and my girlfriends. When we all posed one of my friends kissed me on the lips for the picture. I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t think he thought anything of it as we have done that plenty of times before( when we were friends). I couldn’t tell you whose fault it was but he immediately got this face of anger. And I asked him what was wrong and he quietly told me “ fuck off bitch this shit is over”
The alcohol didn’t help as I instead of running like I should have.. I needed to know what was wrong. He won’t speak to me..and he was my ride home, as we’re very far from where I lived. I kept begging him to tell me..begging him not to leave me already.
He finally told me and I apologized more than once and by now I was crying heavily. Yelling at him to forgive me. He was calling me names..horrible names. As I still kept begging him. I ended leaving.. as I mentioned before it was not walking distance home but I did walk home at 2 in the morning. He followed me and we argued the whole way home. 3 hours of walking.
Our first night as a couple to the world. That was our first together.
He eventually forgave me and we made up.
The relationship was already doomed. That first night told me everything I needed to know about what the next 6 years were going to be like.
We sometimes don’t see what people are like. With someone who has suffered trauma like I did I didn’t see the red flags. We are always dodging those damn things to be in love.
This relationship got worse. Years of mental abuse. Years of him being controlling of who I could be friends with..who I could be. What I could wear. Where I can go. I think about it and how much I loved him. In between the hurt and chaos I still seen the man I called my best friend. I still chased that person everyday because we had amazing times together too. We got along great when it wasn’t bad. We had a child together.
But that’s an illusion. Those good times aren’t real. They were fake in my mind to make it seem normal. Love like that is never normal. And it would take everything in me and us to leave each other… and eventually we would break.
Stay tuned for the next part…