To be 25…

I was 25 when I ended up a single mom. I had fought to stay with his dad(literally) but in the end we weren’t meant for eachother. We never were and I seen it clearly now. I remember the day we broke up. He never broke a promise to me and the night before he promised he would come and get me from my moms and take me home. His uncle had just passed whom he was very close to. It was rough month with that and I was left alone a lot. I needed him that night. He promised he would come get us.

And he never did.

That morning I called him and told asked why he broke his promise and he said “what do you think ginger?” And I hung up.. went to our apartment that we shared with his mom and sisters and packed up all my things before he can see me. I was a blubbering mess and his mom and sisters helped me and apologized for everything. They knew it was time as well.

I was so scared but felt so free. I was lucky I had my mom now who would help me through it all. It was just us 3 living together. Taking care of my baby boy. I was ready to be single and take care of my son the way he deserved. But sharing him with joe was a nightmare.

It was constant fighting. He was still as selfish as he was when we were together. He was no help at all. Barely took him. And when he did he was always leaving him with someone random. And I still didn’t take him to court. I’ve never believed in putting my child through the system like that. Or putting a man in a position to be forced to pay me or take care of their child. If he didn’t wanna help.. I didn’t need it. I didn’t need his money. I was making my own money and I was doing well.

I think being single for him at first meant to be with a bunch of women. That passed and he came around. Started taking him once or twice a week. That’s when my freedom kicked in. And I started hanging out with the wrong girls. Those couple of days of freedom and being single would drag me down a road I wasn’t prepared for. The drinking became heavier. The drugs started. I wasn’t someone who drank or did drugs when I had my child. But on those days of freedom.. I’d go wild. That’s when the problems started. Those couple of days I’d black out. I’d drink so much I’d end up in places with people I didn’t know. Doing things I wasn’t proud of the next day.

But it was almost like this feeling of not caring. I didn’t care about myself. That drinking make me feel good. It helped me be someone I could never be sober(or so I thought) I was so mentally messed up that the alcohol helped me numb it. Bar hopping with my friend Kristen as we met guys and got free drinks all the time. It was fun for us.

But it was dangerous. And I put myself in dangerous situations. That went on for a couple of years. I didn’t date. Didn’t have a relationship. I let men use me because I didn’t care about what happened. I only cared about numbing what I felt inside. The alcohol and drugs did that for me. The distraction of partying was an escape from all the things I held in as a child.

When we’re young and we have none to teach us.. we make bad choices not realizing the consequences. I wish someone would have stopped me. Or someone would have helped me. But everyone let me keep doing the things I was doing. I was fun and everyone liked that fun ginger. She can drink all night and keep going. But I was lost and I would stay lost for a while….

Stay tuned for the next part